I was afraid.

I mentioned earlier that I recently went to Texas to attend the wedding of an online friend.  It was really difficult to get there, as I have a fear of flying and just a generalized anxiety disorder on top of that.  I don’t do well with crowds, people I don’t know well, etc.  So, flying for the first time ever, attending a wedding rehearsal lunch, the wedding and reception, and staying in a (very nice) stranger’s house for 3 nights, not to mention being away from my little girl for the first time, was quite the experience.  I was afraid. 

My great friend Thea thankfully lives about 3.5 hours from me and made plans to fly with me cause she knew I was FREAKED OUT.  (She offered to hold my barf bag if needed….now that’s friendship, people! FYI– I didn’t need it.  LOL)  But I was afraid, even right up until the second we stepped on that plane, that I was going to have an anxiety attack and get sick and not be able to board and that Thea would have to go on without me.  I was afraid that what usually happens would; that I would be so worried about having an anxiety attack that I would actually bring one upon myself.  I know, it sounds ridiculous if you don’t actually suffer from anxiety attacks, but trust me it happens and it’s horrible.  I was afraid that an anxiety attack would hit me on the plane and I’d be sick and need to go to the restroom but the seatbelt light would still be on and I wouldn’t be able to get out of my seat.  I was afraid that, again, worrying about that would cause me to have an anxiety attack.  There are just so many factors.  It’s a vicious cycle, it really is. 

Once we got to Texas and arrived at the house where we were staying for the duration of the trip, I felt better about staying at a stranger’s house.  Liz & Dave were so warm and welcoming and friendly.  They never made us feel as if we were intruding on their household.  They’re wonderful people.  But I was afraid when it was time to attend the wedding rehearsal lunch because of all the people.  I was afraid again when it was time for the wedding and reception.  In fact, I insisted on driving my own rental car there instead of riding with my friends in case I got sick and had to leave and go back to the house.  I’ve learned over the years that I feel better and have less anxiety if I have a “way out” of a situation that makes me feel anxiety.  I feel better going into a situation if I have that “way out”, if I know I can slip out and leave and I don’t have to drag anybody else away from the fun because they rode there with me.  Having said that, I also HATE it that I have to do this. 

Thankfully, while in Texas I didn’t need to worry so much.  I didn’t have an anxiety attack at all for the whole trip; going there, in between, or coming home, and I am so thankful.  I was with great friends and felt very relaxed the whole trip and had a wonderful time.  I would not have wanted to miss one moment of fun with these crazy women who I am SO glad to call my friends.  I would not have wanted to miss my friend Dona’s beautiful wedding.  It was the first time I’ve ever cried at a wedding.  It was so lovely.  (Dona, I’m so happy for you!) 

I was afraid.  But I did it anyway.  Because I didn’t want to miss the fun.  I didn’t want to miss the wedding.  I didn’t want to miss meeting Jill (an online friend from California) for the first time, who was also attending the wedding.  I didn’t want to miss an extended weekend with my girlfriends who are scattered all over the country and I only get to talk to them online.  I didn’t want to miss the EXPERIENCE, damnit!  I have missed so many experiences because of my anxiety disorder.  And I have regrets about that.  I have bookshelves lined with books on the subject of panic attacks and generalized anxiety disorder and how to OVERCOME them, but they’ve been sitting on those shelves collecting dust.  This year I’m going to read them.  Every damn one of them.  And I’m going to put into practice what I learn from them.  And I am going to find the STRENGTH to overcome them.  I am going to find the strength to do a lot of things this year.

If you’re not a scrapbooker, then you don’t know who Ali Edwards is; an awesome life artist, scrapbooker, and all around cool person.  She had a concept to to pick ”one little word” for the year last year (and is doing it again this year), pick a word that has meaning, something you want for yourself, and live your life with that word in mind, incorporate that word into what you do and say and accomplish.  And my word is STRENGTH.  I am going to discover that strength that I have inside of myself again.  I lost it somewhere along the way, for whatever reasons.  I have gained 70 pounds in the last 2 years, and it makes me sick.  I’ve lost my strength in that area of my life, and I intend to get it back physically.  I’ve struggled in my relationship with my husband, and it saddens me.  I need to find the strength to change that and make it great again.  I’ve struggled so much with my depression being out of control for the last year, and I’ve lost my strength in that area also.  I MUST get that strength back mentally to survive. 

Man, don’t you just wish you could change the things that need changing overnight?  Ha!  Wouldn’t that be wonderful?  Yes, it would indeed.

Scrapbooking is a beautiful thing.  It preserves our memories, our thoughts, our feelings forever.  I love it for all that it has brought into my life.  I think I love it most of all for these friendships that I have formed with these women.  We all have a bond that was built because of scrapbooking.  If money wasn’t an object and one of them called and needed me, I would be on the first plane out.  It’s not every day that you meet a person that you can develop a special friendship with, and because of scrapbooking I have miraculously been able to do that with not just one woman but several.  How lucky am I, really, to be able to call these women friends?  Each one of them brings something different to my life, and I am so thankful for them.