Two Words To Describe Postpartum Depression

It sucks.  There.  I said it.  I apologize if I offend, but I speak the truth and I know from firsthand knowledge.  Depression is a horrible thing, and I hate it.  I developed postpartum depression 7-1/2 years ago after my daughter was born, and 7-1/2 years later I’m still trying to handle it.  I hate that depression has this stigma about it, this thing nobody wants to talk about, this huge elephant in the room so to speak.  I think maybe people perceive you as having something WRONG WITH YOU.  Like what is so wrong with you that you’re depressed?  Why can’t you just be NOT depressed?  And I don’t agree with that.  It wasn’t my fault that I got depressed.  It’s nobody’s fault that they get depressed.  Why would anyone CHOOSE to be depressed?  It’s laughable.  It’s just that stuff happens.  Life throws a curveball at you every now and then. 

My curveball came about 3 months after my daughter was born.  My husband had taken 12 weeks of family leave off work to take care of me and bond with the baby.  I went back to work (at home) after 6 weeks, so he was her primary caretaker during the day (and he loved it).  It seemed like a matter of days before it was time for him to go back to work.  It was devastating for me.  Suddenly I had to work full-time at home AND take care of a 3-month old baby?  There weren’t enough hours in the day frankly.  I felt like I was chained to my desk 24 hours a day just to try to get in the 8 hours I owed my job.  It was awful!  There was a resentment toward my husband burning in me.  I felt he thought his job was more important than mine, and I resented him for that.  He told me he would retire when the baby was 6 months old, and he changed his mind, and I resented him for that.  I was overwhelmed.  I was tired (as you mothers know, that’s an understatement).  I was breastfeeding, and any mother who has done this knows it’s a neverending job.  And for me a constant interruption of my sleep patterns is not a good thing.  During the day, I slept whenever my daughter slept.  It was a real battle to muster up the energy to take a shower.  I cried a lot (also an understatement). 

Don’t get me wrong~~I LOVED my daughter.  She was and is and always will be the best thing about my life, the love of my life.  But some new moms begin their postpartum depression right away and have a hard time bonding with their babies, feeling a detachment toward them.  They look at their babies and don’t feel this love connection that mothers are supposed to feel.  I thank God that I didn’t have those feelings.  I can’t imagine what it would have felt like to look at this beautiful newborn and not feel the overwhelming love that I felt.  But it happens to some moms.  It’s so sad to me.  As a scrapbooker, I think about moments.  And those are moments you don’t get back. 

I waited about 6 months after my depression began before I finally went to the doctor and said, “You’ve got to help me.”  I waited TOO LONG.  If I had it to do all over again, I would have gone to the doctor immediately!  Why suffer in silence like that?  Those are moments of my life I won’t get back!  My doctor immediately put me on an antidepressant, and I’ve been taking them ever since.  Over the last 7 years I’ve continued to take them.  Oh, once in a while I’ll notice I’m feeling very irritable toward my husband and daughter and my husband will make me cry more than usual, and I’ll realize maybe my body has become immune to the antidepressant and I’ll have to change it.  I’m on my fourth different kind of antidepressant now.  I know that lots of people only have to take them for a short period of time, but that hasn’t been the case for me.  I wish it were.  Maybe someday that’ll happen for me.

Millions of women suffer from postpartum depression.  MILLIONS!  It’s staggering.  Take it from me.  If you’re one of those women and you think you MAY have depression or you know you DO have it, go to the doctor.  Get help for it.  If your doctor doesn’t take care of you or says something stupid like “it’s all in your head,” or “you’ve got to get over it by yourself,” GO TO ANOTHER DOCTOR.  Thankfully mine didn’t say anything like that, but I’ve heard horrible stories about idiot doctors who have.  Get help.  Help yourself.  These are moments of your life that you won’t get back, so make them be worthwhile and wonderful.

I’m participating in Blog for the Mothers Act.  You can read about it here.  It’s about trying to get legislature passed for the MOTHERS Act.  That bill will make it so that new moms and families get education about postpartum depression and will increase the research into the causes, diagnoses, and treatments for it.  If you click on that link above, it even gives you the name and phone number of your state senator (listings for all states is there) so you can call and ask them to support it.  I know I will.